Irrisorie
by Goddess of Slaughter
Summary: /A man without self-control is as defenceless as a city with broken-down walls./ I may want Draco Malfoy, but that doesn’t mean I would act on it, if I met him in real life. I would drive someone crazy first. Most likely – more that just one ‘someone’.


**Title:** Irrisorie  
_transl. - With a smile_**  
Disclaimer:** JKR, what is yours stay's yours. What is mine, is exactly that - mine.**  
Characters: **Draco Malfoy; Pansy Parkinson; Blaise Zabini; Quinta Essentia**  
Genre: **Humor**  
Warnings:** Language games**  
Overall Rating:** T  
**Summary: **

_"A man without self-control is as defenceless as a city with broken-down walls."_

I may want Draco Malfoy, but that doesn't mean I would act on it, if I met him in real life. I would drive someone crazy first. Most likely – more that just one 'someone'.

**Extra Note:** The way I would act if I ended up at Hogwards. We all have pictured it somewhere along the way, haven't we?  
**Length: **Maybe this will be one-shot. Maybe there will be more chapters. Until then - 1335 words.

**A/N: **Reason for writing this story is fun, humor and lots of mind and language games. You can take it lightly, maybe read only dialogs, maybe even take it too seriously - it doesn't matter as long as you manage to smile about what you have selected to read.  
Your reviews about what you think about this little experiment of mine would be nice. English is not my native language, so I sincerely apologize for grammar and other errors. Please point them out if you see them.

Until then -  
Enjoy!

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Pansy sometimes can be _so_ draft. Or what's the word for complete stupidness.

*

I never planed to be stuck in wizarding world's past (it doesn't matter in which year), I never planed to attend Hogwards just because my energy and my understanding of nature power sources allowed me to see those stupid little wizards.

I never wanted to go to Hogwards just because it is dangerous out there for me, my knowledge of what is going to happen, and I need a safe place to stay. Voldemort will die, won't he? We all have read it.

But I was in danger. Like fuck I care about Riddle bastard and the things he can do to me. If I am destined to die _here_, of all the places, than I'll have some fun of him or Death Eaters before _Avada_ kills me.

*

All in all here I was. At Slytherin's table eating lunch and listening to Pansy's brainless talk. I didn't know how I ended up sitting near Zabini and across Pansy, but leave it to me to not give a fuck about where to sit when I want to stuff myself with food. I tried to be polite. Really. But my sarcasm loving nature can hold only as much.

"So... What do you plan on Malfoy?" I swear I have heard this question too much this day alone and from Pansy nevertheless. Just because I'm new flesh doesn't mean I do not know Draco Malfoy and his ways with women and will go after him like all girls do. So I decided to play with Pansy. And with English, which is not my mother language, but quite amusing all the same.

"Which one?" she nearly choked on her drink, and looked at me with eyes as big as galleons. I can swear that she almost asked me if I have plans on the whole Malfoy clan, but controlled herself in time.

"Draco, of course."

"I plan nothing on him." I answered in bored tone, carefully taking a sip of my first pumpkin juice only to hide disgust moment later and try to not spit it on Pansy and swallow it. Who drinks this?

"Nothing? "

"Yes, nothing - naked." Pansy stared at me in shock as I continued with lunch with ease and drank water instead of that evil drink. I saw Blaise smirk and mutter something.

"So you are on it?"

"Yes, I'm on it."

"I will not allow you!" she shrieked.

"Why? Everyone is on it. Why I can not be?"

"Everyone? I don't understand."

"Pansy look around you for once - everyone is on it." she really looked around. Blaise was little confused, not understanding my play with words. I did see Malfoy standing in the corner, listening to our conversation and smirking.

"But, but... How can everyone be on him?"

"Him? I thought we were talking about "it". When did chairs in Great Hall gain personality?" Blaise shook with controlled laughter now. Pansy looked dumb. Draco was taking seat next to me, pretending that he hasn't heard conversation until this point.

"Chairs?" she asked stupidly.

"Yes, the "it" I'm on. Chair." Malfoy smirked; Pansy banged her head loudly against desk. Blaise nearly fell of the chair. I just ate.

"No, I mean - are you on Malfoy?" I looked at her as looking at total idiot, then looked at Malfoy next to me, letting Pansy to fallow my gaze, and then looked at myself.

"Does it look like I'm on Malfoy now?"

"It is an expression!"

"Well Pansy. If you want an answer from me you need to ask it correctly. Or I'll be mocking you all day."

"Do you want Malfoy?"

"Why would I want him?" I retorted, pretending to be amused.

"Because he is hot!" Malfoy raised eyebrow at Pansy and I reached out and touched Malfoy's cheek with my fingertips.

"No, he is normal. The same body temperature as mine. Maybe you are frig- cold Pansy, so Malfoy seems hot to you." I think she was considering suicide. I prayed for it. Blaise laughed visibly and Malfoy just looked at me. Hasn't anyone touched him before?

"No, I mean he is handsome."

"Yes, he is. So what?"

"So do you want him because he is handsome?"

"No." Malfoy smirked again, understanding the meaning of my denial.

"What? How can you not want him?"

"I didn't say I don't want him, now did I, Blaise?" I turned to the boy next to me, trying to understand if Pansy is the only idiot around me now or there is more.

"No, you said you don't want him because he is handsome, but you didn't deny wanting him for other reasons."

"Correct." Pansy looked like my old computer trying to swallow the meanings of commands and finding it especially difficult.

"But you want him?"

"How?" I asked for details, because you can want person in many ways.

"How - how?"

"Wuf - wuf." Blaise laughed so hard he had tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Do you want sex with him?" Pansy was crazily nervous, not getting the easy answers she wanted to have.

"Yes." Malfoy looked smug, I, on the other hand, smirked mentally. Just so you wait little prince of fucking... Slytherin.

"Then you have plans on Malfoy to get it?"

"I don't know. Doesn't look like Malfoy is wearing plans. Do you have any plans of mine dressed on you Malfoy?"

"No." He actually smiled, enjoying this conversation, if you can call teasing Pansy conversation.

"Then, Pansy - I do not have any plans on Malfoy."

"Argh! How you plan to have sex with him?"

"Firstly, I didn't say I plan to have sex with him. So I can't tell you how I plan it."

"You don't plan to have sex with me?" Malfoy could not stop himself from asking me before Pansy could even open her mouth.

"No, I don't. It will just happen."

"WHAT?" Pansy almost yelled. "You can not know that!"

"Of course I don't know that. But I don't plan it. So if I will have sex with Malfoy it would be just because it happened." I explained in nonchalant tone, giving Pansy break form word games to not drive her in complete overdrive.

"Will you do something to let it happen?" Malfoy asked me almost too seriously.

"I may want you, Draco, but that doesn't mean I need to act on it. Just so you know." he looked disappointed but determined to try. Right. Like I haven't seen _that_ look before.

"But why? He _is_ handsome among the other things." Pansy tried to understand me.

"If you look closely Pans you would notice that half of Slytherin boys are handsome. Does that mean I need to have sex with them too?"

"It is a tradition...." she started.

"To have sex with your own Housemates? And when did it start? On your first year when you didn't even know what arousal is Pansy? Right."

"It is recent..."

"Recent isn't tradition. It is hormones. Mine are fine, and doesn't need you 'tradition'."

"Are you a virgin?" Pansy asked, God knows why.

"Yes. Even Granger can't compete with me." I rolled my eyes.

"I don't believe you."

"Really, now?" I started in seductive tone, "Maybe you would like to have examination in private, Pansy? You know, I do girls too and that doesn't require loosing virginity." I smiled sweetly, winked at Pansy and left the three of them with mouth's agape.

I didn't sort myself in Slytherin for nothing, you know. ;)

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Maybe TBC ...

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End file.
